Swedish Fish Martini

The effort it takes not to be curmudgeonly increases alarmingly with the passing years.  Not only is there a danger of general grouchiness, but there are pet peeves one compulsively harps upon.  With me the list is topped by the new “martinis.”  I’ve written about this before.

A couple evenings ago, Annette and I dined at Sushi Joy. Our waitress was 55 years my junior and of Chinese extraction. She was trained to converse fluently about the menu, but on topics ranging away from the printed word, the linguistic waters became deeper, and she floundered. 

I said, “I’ll have a Tanqueray martini straight up with an olive.”

“What kind of martini?” she asked.

“Those drinks listed on the menu are not martinis.” I explained. “A martini is made of gin and vermouth.  I want a classic martini.” 

She recognized my pedagogical tone as I instructed her about the true nature of a martini, and her attention skipped to the part where I was making an order. “A crassic martini,” she said and headed in the direction of the bar.  I reflected that I’d been redundant.  A martini is a classic.  The distinction had been unnecessary.

A few minutes later she returned, flustered and embarrassed. “What kind of martini?” she wanted to know.

I accompanied her to the bar and made my order directly to the bartender, who was skilled in her trade and made an excellent drink. 

I was reminded of the incident today when I looked at a cocktail list and saw I was able to request a Swedish fish martini.  After a puzzled interval I began to understand that the drink would not taste of herring or any other finny denizen of Scandinavian waters.  A Swedish fish is a candy.

I am a man of infinite tolerance. If a person wishes to enjoy a drink that tastes like a piscine confection, I may not agree with his choice, but I will defend to the death his right to make it.  Only let’s not call it a martini.  Couldn’t we please just call it a Swedish fish cocktail, no matter what the shape of the glass in which it served.  And might we not do the same for drinks flavored with apples, pomegranates, or in the newest abomination on the same list as the Swedish fish, pumpkin pie.   

Let the younger set not be so grievously confused. Someday they will achieve maturity and turn in moments of weariness and stress to that solace of mankind, the martini – provided they know what it is.